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Security breach in my skull

Yea my head is fucking killing me..plus..I've been in a goof ballish mood.

Trying to rip me apart from the inside..I hate feeling selfish and SO DAMN QUICK. Just want to hold your hand is all...Miss your smile...

...I am just like a wolf..I'll bite anything that comes close to my territory..silly me..

"She's going away..going away..what's wrong with my life today?...Stupid Girl.."
Sprial down into the abyss.
So yea..I took the day off...feeling like death rolled over twice in it's grave this morning but I'm all good now thanks to chicken noodle soup and Orange juice..plus lots of decongestant. anyways here are the pics I took over the weekend, behind a cut cause of how many there are, plus one of my *ahem* current infatuation :P

I'm awful with a cameraCollapse )

*crawls back to bed..wheeze..twitch...flail....X_x *
Sprial down into the abyss.


I'm at work right now and can't help but feel elated and giddy. I'm so full of excitement and butterflies. I love this feeling. I'm a bit cautious to jump to conclusions. I fall for guys like him to easily. I don't want to be hurt but if it's the kind of a hurt a whipped puppy would keep going back regardless. David...I love that name now..those eyes..swallowing me whole. I am glad for aaron making me feel comfortable in my own skin. Do I see it as a lie when told I am beautiful? I'm anticipating to see what blossoms from this.
Sprial down into the abyss.


I've lost my resolve...I can't be loved...I won't ever be treated like I actually matter. I give up on it...him...everything. Why does me trying to love people always ends up hurting me the most?...
Sprial down into the abyss.

Permission to Crash

Why does his voice sound so cold to me when I talk to him...so emotionless. I broke down crying last night for the first time in a while. that cry that just rips your chest apart. I just wanted someone to hold me. Frivolous I suppose it is to want something so much. Why is it that he wants something from me that I can only give to him when I can actually touch him...Maybe I'm over thinking it. Maybe I'm just stupid for always thinking that people actually fucking love me. Just use me till I'm broken beyond repair. I think it's better off that way anyways. Such empty smiles...I'm so...unhappy here...so tired of trying to love people and just get taken advantage of. Being in this place...I'm so lonely..and I don't think I'll ever find my resolve to be as strong as I would like to appear to be. Just feels like each day I'm slowly falling apart on the inside while I put on a smile for everyone while they take and take and take from me. Maybe being alone is all I'm worth....
Sprial down into the abyss.

My Absolute Passion

Is going to concerts when I can and rocking out. Last night was Dir En Grey and needless to say they put one a awesome show. I got lost driving to the Gothic but we got there 3 songs before Dir went on. Me, Peanut and this other guy just wanted to thrash some faces and I'm pretty sure the 2 times that I picked up short girls that came under my boobs pretty much thought I was a lesbian. It's all good. Short people need to see too. I was throttled so hard I popped a nerve in my neck so it hurts to move it but it's ok. I enjoyed it so much, but I only wish I wasn't so broke. I wanted a new shirt and their CD and I tried my damndest to break someone's face over Die's pick. Two guys broke the cover to Shinya's drums when he tossed it out. All in all I think everyone had fun, I'm just sad I couldn't get anything but I still love the show they gave. Kyo is so musically amazing for such a little man...I adore them all.
Sprial down into the abyss.

A lost feeling

So at this moment..I feel so very helpless..What did I do...to go through this. I feel so lost I don't know what to do...I haven't gone grocery shopping in almost 2 months, I'm so fucking sick of Ramen the smell of it makes me want to puke. I can barely pay my bills and let alone I don't want to bother anyone with the fact that I need help. I don't have pride..I never have..I'm just not the type of person to ask someone else for help because I always try to help others even if they don't do anything in return... I'm trying so hard not to cry because I'm so damn stressed...and hungry..I want to eat but I can't stomach anything at the moment. I need to stop complaining..nothing will come from it..especially now cause I should at least be glad I have a roof over my head..
Sprial down into the abyss.

Ganked meme

Yoinked this from Mali

Put your MP3 player on shuffle, and write down the first line of the first twenty songs. Post the poem that results.

I wanted you to know that I love the way you left
Listen now and never speak
Come as you are, as you were
I've packed up everything I loved in the trunk of the car over there
Even if I cared to Try

life it seems to fade away
I have a guy friend
Still Spinning round in my head
I'm not That Gay
Come wet a widow`s eye

So, I'm feeling much worse now
Toppling building blocks
We spend summer dreaming when we coulda be leaving
Fighting to control my mind
All the same take me away we're dead to the world

Testing my faith again
Everytime I think of you
How, How am i supposed to feel?
I know when to go out
Pick me up, Been Bleeding too long
Sprial down into the abyss.

Holding On To What Is left

I hate my way of feeling, so lost. I just want to be held in a genuine manner. To feel like..I'm not an ugly duckling.. I just really...want to never think so negatively of myself but it's so hard...because I feel like everyone I come across just wants to use me...break this fragile heart...tarnish this shell.

I don't feel wanted...just there...to pass the time and take up space until something better comes along. The urge to start cutting...or to start popping pills until I can't feel anything anymore is starting to overwhelm me. I don't think anyone else feels the same way I do...I don't want to waste away without knowing that someone...genuinely cares...that I sit here...day in and day out...all by myself...Is being wanted..not for my body or the fact that I'm even remotely interesting...is that not good enough? To be with someone and they not knowing what they want from the person...the relationship itself...or life.

I..want a fulfilling life...with a solid relationship ...someone that will love me for my flaws and imperfections. To tell me...they think I'm beautiful in their eyes...It doesn't do me any good to wish for something like that...
Sprial down into the abyss.


Just wishing..I wasn't so pathetic...so wanting and needing...I don't like not being able to cry now...and these eyes are so sad..so pathetic
Sprial down into the abyss.


Darkness is Forgiving

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February 2009